Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
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*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
I falcon love using swear birds
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.