just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
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Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?