Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
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ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
a badder mouse
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.