@ben_watt: Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out 'Batman, your cape.'
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@cynicanoldicus: The ex wife once told me her greatest fantasy was kneeling in front of me while I spurted all over her. She never mentioned it was my blood.
@kelkulus: I don't understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It's much more awkward trying to return them. "She didn't like me."
@trojansauce: *wears one gryffindor and one slytherin sock to work to represent the internal human struggle between good and evil*
@Marlebean: I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat! -Don't you mean pig? No. He tried to eat my couch!