@ben_watt: Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out 'Batman, your cape.'
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@LetsQuoteComedy: In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
@dafloydsta: [date] HER: So what's your spirit animal? ME: Roosters. HER: Lol, why? ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
@TwoSapphiresBlu: That awkward laugh when they've said something innocuous, but you're thinking something incredibly dirty.
@LindaInDisguise: Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I'll try harder.