Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
You Might Also Like
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat