Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
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I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
Welcome
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
felt cute might bury dad later idk
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.