@EndhooS: "Morning guys" "HOLY SHIT IT'S SUPERMAN!" - Clark Kent's first day at work wearing contact lenses

@Trudacious: You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you're paying attention to her.

@dave_cactus: Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it's Tuesday. My car still thinks it's 1987.

@tarashoe: if i'm bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i'd have to login using facebook, i'd be fine w/just dyin

@Fred_Delicious: [On date] Her - "so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?" Me - "Jurassic Park theme"