Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
You Might Also Like
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried