Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
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Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.