@RexHuppke: Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: "Still not sure if we like it, tbh."
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@dlockw21: In my experience, people who say "I'm not trying to be difficult," don't really seem to be trying all that hard.
@ArfMeasures: *looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
@truegritrumble: (At Kentucky Derby) ME: I'd like to enter my horse for the race. EMPLOYEE: Sir, that's a cheetah. ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
@SamuelHLowe: - I'm your son's teacher and I'm calling to tell you that he may be a compulsive liar. - And a damn good one. I don't have any sons.