@RexHuppke: Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: "Still not sure if we like it, tbh."
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@UncleDuke1969: KIDS: *running around house screaming* ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic? KIDS: Yay! Picnic! ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
@iwearaonesie: *takes glass out of dishwasher* *doesn't know where it goes* *leaves on counter* *wife puts it back in dishwasher* *repeat for last 7 years*
@realHamOnWry: According to the most current magazine in this doctor's office, every home in America will have a television by 1962.
@1followernodad: the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.