Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
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Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
I put the h in mysterious.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW