Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
You Might Also Like
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
I’m aging like a fine banana
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
how to have fun when you’re poor
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.