@MrBigFists: Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
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@XplodingUnicorn: Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school. 4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest? My wife: He cried the most.
@Mikecanrant: When I take pictures of cheese I yell "SAY HUMANS!" and me and the cheese laugh and laugh and then I binge eat and cry.
@TrueTorontoGirl: Boss: Have I made myself clear? Me: No, I can still see you. Boss: Shakes head.
@HatfieldAnne: Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely. I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.