Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
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Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
the Monday after daylight savings
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too