Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
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I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
u spoke cat all this time??????
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.