Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
You Might Also Like
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Had to try this trend 😊
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”