@Dawn_M_: Just once I'd like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@Baxterbix: Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I'm not movin'.
@SteveSuckington: It's amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
@Dave_in_SoPo: Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
@StymieBrewer: Hey, hey...calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.