Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
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Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.