Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
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I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.