@NotKarma: Just once I'd like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
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@IRLPepperMD: [911 call] IM GETTING EATEN- *pause* Ok one sec. *holds phone away from mouth* Are you an alligator or a crocodile? *pause* Cool. ITS A CRO-
@OfficialMizGin: I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean. It said, “Please refill and return to sender.” Now I wait.
@longwall26: That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don't know.
@hazelmotes1: Inspirational Tweet: The journey of 1,000 miles begins with "daaaaad I have to peeeeee"