Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
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‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
The answer is funnier than the question
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No