@jwoodham: Just once I'd like to see a celebrity show up to the red carpet in jeans and be like, "Oh, was this today? I was just in the neighborhood."
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@trojansauce: [dinner party] mario: what's in this risotto? me: mushroom, you're not allergic? mario: *grows to like 20 feet*
@david8hughes: [end of 1st round of my UFC debut] Corner man: how you feeling? Me [out of breath]: horny Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
@murrman5: why does mommy cry when she cuts onions? "she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions"
@ZaynabHashem2: 2017 whatsapp notification: Linda read your message and texted Morissa and they decided to go to McDonalds without you