Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
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when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?