Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
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[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
(more comics:
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car