@jordan_stratton: Just once, I'd like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
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@Darlainky: Grim Reaper: You know why I'm here. Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving? GR: You should've forwarded that chain email.
@KalvinMacleod: WIFE: Where are the groceries? ME: Bacon was on sale. WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean? *sound of dump truck backing into driveway*