Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
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Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.