Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
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Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.