@ScobeyWanKenobi: Just once I'd like to yell, "Don't you know who I am?!" because I'm important, not because I'm drunk and actually forgot.
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@weinerdog4life: Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
@WilliamAder: Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
@fro_vo: Friend Who I Haven't Seen in a While: your kid's gotten so big! what is he, four? Me: i have no idea what he's for