@ScobeyWanKenobi: Just once I'd like to yell, "Don't you know who I am?!" because I'm important, not because I'm drunk and actually forgot.
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@ayyyyloser: Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job Me: Toilet paper
@JohnLyonTweets: Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I'd had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
@NotthatAdamWest: Judging by the size of her models, I'm guessing Victoria's Secret is lots and lots of cocaine.