Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
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Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.