@NickSchug: Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person's eyes I want them to whisper "Ew, ew, ew, ew." while doing it.
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@NJPsychDoc: My stages of drunk: 1. You're UGLY 2. You're HOT 3. You're BEAUTIFUL 4. Your HONOR in my defense......
@rickolantern: My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I'd have to stay away from carbs So I've been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
@Lisa_Laughs_: I'm not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there's so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
@Dadness_au: Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school