@NickSchug: Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person's eyes I want them to whisper "Ew, ew, ew, ew." while doing it.
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@jonnysun: being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
@Rainbowbunee: Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me. It was a tampede.
@Brampersandon_: [texting gf] February 13th "I think we should spend some time apart" February 15th "Ok that was enough time"
@amishschool: My wife yelled, "This is the LAST TIME I'm going to tell you to take out the trash", and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.