Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
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i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
look at me when i’m typing to you
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
*limbos away from your hug*
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.