Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
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Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
good for her
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
That’s a good costume, I hope.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
E
E
E
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ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills