@muse_me_again: Just once when someone says, "Is anyone there?" in a scary movie, I want the villain to be like. "What up. I'm over here. You got me."
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@AndPlayDad: I don't know what the big deal is. Putting my toddler to bed is easy... In fact, just tonight, I did it 25 times.
@ArfMeasures: WIFE: Carol's hubby gives her flowers EVERY day. I'd LOVE u to do that ME: Ok [next day] ME [giving Carol flowers] No I don't get it either
@comer310: Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs* Friend: Bad breakup? Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn't working.
@causticbob: My boss is coming to my grandad's funeral tomorrow. He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground