Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
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The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather