Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
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[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
My time has come.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
Tell me you get it…🤣
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess