You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
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*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
This is me
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?