@T_Bonezzz: Just one time I wanna see The Bachelor get a cold sore
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@jwoodham: If I was a Quidditch player I'd be the Seeker, because I'm really, really good at doing basically nothing until the very end of something.
@tigersgoroooar: Online guy: wanna chat I’m 9 inches Me: i’m 5′8′‘ you would barely reach the middle of my shin how could we hold hands on our wedding day
@joerogan: That Russian meteor footage is a nice reminder that we're flying through the universe in an organic spaceship with no roof.
@djdarrellripley: Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments. Me: Yes, but do go on...