Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
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These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.