Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
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coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.