Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
You Might Also Like
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
new career option?