My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
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Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.