Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
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[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)