Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
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Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*