Just ordered me some pizza!
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A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
much to think about
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t