Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
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Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.