Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
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Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction