Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
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Noah was an idiot.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
(yawn)
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco