Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
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Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.