Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
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Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Very problematic
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no