[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
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Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.