Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
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I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.