Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
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Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
This is true.
gentlemen, hear me out
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.