Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
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card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.