Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
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For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.