@ManJuggs: Just overheard the gentleman in the next stall whisper "get out of me" and then start to cry. God I hate the Olive Garden.
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@captainkalvis: CUSTOMER: id like buy a turtle, please ME: ok CUSTOMER: and make it quick ME: *grabbing him by the collar* DO I LOOK LIKE GOD TO YOU
@trevso_electric: Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
@JuliePee: What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? Trump wouldn't pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face. #watersportsgate #goldenshower
@Mayhem_Monica: My boss told me to dress for the job I want; not the job I have. I'm now in a disciplinary meeting for wearing my Batman costume to work.