My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
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you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Found the job I’m suited for
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.