*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
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Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Ken is short for chicken
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
another case of gang violins
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Dear Lord..
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.